What's So Bad About Breaking Up?

According to a recent study funded by the National Science Foundation and detailed in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, breaking up isn’t quite as gut-wrenching as we think it is.

Really? The tears that won’t stop flowing, that feeling of emptiness in your chest … these reactions are supposedly “not that bad”? We think most people might take issue with such a blasé attitude. But the experts involved in this study suggest that it’s our own fault that a breakup is so heart-wrenching. Apparently, we overestimate the blow of a romantic split.

Researchers insist that we are poor predictors of just how distressful an emotional event can be, whether you’re talking about a breakup, your favorite team losing a playoff game, or not getting the job you wanted.

This study involved people who had been dating someone for at least two months. The participants completed regular surveys that indicated their level of distress and happiness in the relationship, and their thoughts of how they would feel should the relationship end.

The subjects who reported being in love as well as the ones who were broken up with (rather than doing the breaking up themselves), showed the poorest insight into the level of pain a lost love could cause. They assumed (while still in the relationship) that there would be unrealistic levels of hurt if a breakup occurred.

Of the 26 people whose romantic relationships actually did end during the study, they all indicated that they thought their distress would dwindle over time. According to their surveys they recovered emotionally in about 10 weeks, but here’s the interesting part: the initial angst they forecast for themselves was completely overestimated. So much so that researchers said their recovery time from the breakup should have taken double the time that it actually did. Had the study been solely based on the participants’ predictions, and not measurements on their feelings over a period of time, the results would have been very different.

Experts say people can actually prolong their hurt by holding onto stubborn ideas that a breakup is going to cause “x” amount of pain, or refusing to see the positive factors that occur in life outside of the breakup.

But what researchers concluded was, while we may overestimate the lasting effects of a breakup, we seriously underestimate our own resiliency. The study reports that we unconsciously call on built-in defense mechanisms to counteract the effect of the ending relationship and protect ourselves emotionally. For example, people focus on the annoying habits an ex had (you know the ones we’re talking about – they were cute when you loved him or her, but now they’re just obnoxious) to keep the nostalgia at bay.

While we are inclined to agree with some of what this study reports, we know that its results can’t possibly apply to all breakups. In this research case, the people who were studied were consciously considering, from week to week, their happiness level in the relationship and just how badly they would feel if a breakup occurred. But what if you’re not even thinking about there being an end to the love in your life? How quickly do the self-preservation techniques kick in if you’re not expecting a breakup? Many of our clients feel completely blindsided by a breakup – and that is often what most influences their ability to cope and the speed with which they recover.

Perhaps constant self-reflection isn’t part of the equation … but awareness is. Any relationship could end at any time for whatever reason. Feelings and circumstances change, tragedy occurs – there is no telling what could cause a breakup. We don’t want to be Debbie Downers, but considering how your life would go on in the wake of such a thing is one way to temper any forecast you may have of a possibly dark future.

Simply enough, this study could be boiled down to “mind over matter.” If you expect a breakup to be nauseatingly painful and gut-shaking, there’s more likelihood of that. But if you are realistic about a breakup, it can only help to admit that, while such an occurrence would hurt terribly, life would still go on.

→ Do you think that you have contributed to your own misery after a breakup because of your attitude? Do you think you could have eliminated some of your pain by changing your frame of mind? Read more!

Tempted to Stray

Thank you to our reader Denise for bringing this study to our attention.

What is it about cheating? Many people think about it. A lot of people do it. Tons of folks worry about it happening in their relationship. Still, there are plenty of others who firmly believe that you don’t have to give in to temptation, no matter how appealing.

What should come as no surprise is that how you react to temptation, according to a recent study, can very much depend on your gender.

New studies done by researchers at McGill University and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that our brains have a self-preservation mechanism of sorts that kicks into gear whenever our eyes start to wander. This neural action can actually help us resist the allure of another and keep us connected to and happy with the relationship we’re in. Oftentimes the protective measures occur without us even having any awareness of the efforts our brain is going to for fidelity.

A variety of experiments were done on several hundred heterosexual men and women in committed, monogamous relationships to determine whether staying faithful is purely instinctual or whether loyalty can be a trained response. Is fidelity really all about mind over matter? We shall see. Here are some of the study’s conclusions:

• The thought of outside flirtation makes warning bells go off in a woman’s mind, but not so much for a man.
• Both men and women who interact with flirtatious members of the opposite sex subconsciously see them as a good alternative to their current partner. But where this flirtatious encounter can make a man feel a little less devoted to his partner, a woman becomes vividly aware of the threat this flirtation could pose to her relationship. As a result, women work extra hard at their relationship to strengthen its foundation. In other words, the “nice” factor kicks in.
• Women automatically know how to protect their relationship, maybe because they’ve been conditioned to socially. Men don’t have that built-in mechanism, but researchers discovered that men can be trained to develop this protective sense to the point where it becomes automatic to distance themselves from threats to their relationship.

We find all of these details incredibly fascinating. So many people say that monogamy just isn’t realistic, that no one should be expected to be faithful if they’re with the same person for such a long time. We disagree. Self-control is a powerful tool – some people choose to use it and others don’t. The study’s final conclusion says, “If people understand that their relationship is being threatened, they are going to defend it.” Is it all about awareness? Maybe.

We can’t begin to count the number of clients who have called us in desperation and racked with guilt. They say, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” And, with that, we try to get to the bottom of why they felt the pull to stray from their relationship in the first place – because, chances are, there’s much more to it than just physical attraction to another person. A study done by UCLA found that when you’re feeling love for your partner, you can suppress those feelings of temptation. So if you stray, the most important question to ask is, “What’s missing from my relationship?”

There are always alternatives to the person you’re currently with. Someone more intelligent, more attractive, funnier … but when your gray matter wants you focused on the one you’re with, it does its very best to help you resist straying. However, just like people who ignore their gut feelings and natural instincts, you can of course overrule your brain’s logic about fidelity.

→ Share a time when you were tempted to stray but managed to remain faithful to your partner. What factors helped you resist? Read more!

Is It a Man's World?

A recent Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends survey found that almost half of those surveyed think we’re living in a man’s world. In other words, 46 percent believe the fellas have a better life in America while only 24 percent think women have the upper hand.

This “better life” that the survey focused on refers specifically to the leadership opportunities women have in the world of business and politics. Thirty-eight percent of those surveyed said women are discriminated against in all realms of society, politics included, citing some of the following evidence: only two percent of women are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies; 17 percent of the U.S. House of Representatives is made up of women while only 16 percent of the U.S. Senate is women.

The truly intriguing discovery in this survey is how broadly the gender gap exists among respondents. Women, by far, chose men (53 percent) over their own gender (20 percent) as the sex that’s reveling in the fruits of their labor. And even the men themselves chose their own gender (39 percent) as having the advantage over women (28 percent).

What or who is to blame for supposedly holding the ladies back? Respondents say it is a combination of gender discrimination, a resistance to change, and the stereotypical “boys club.” Fingers also point to a woman’s need to balance her work and family responsibilities. Younger and middle-aged adults are the demographics that believe these factors most, more so than older adults. Interestingly enough though, women over 50 are the ones who still think we need increased social change to equal out the rights between genders.

The question of talent isn’t really approached in this survey – in fact, on seven of the eight leadership traits the survey measured women were rated as either better than or equal to men. (Check out the survey to see where women especially shined, including categories like honesty, intelligence, ambition, and creativity.)

The survey gets even more intriguing when negative gender stereotypes are examined. Women were overwhelmingly chosen as the more emotional sex while men were chosen as the more arrogant sex. Women were also considered the most manipulative while men come out just a bit above women to take the title of most stubborn gender.

Men and women are different – but is being emotional a bad thing? Is arrogance, often translated as confidence, a negative trait? We don’t necessarily think so. The trouble comes when these differences aren’t accepted and respected. If a CEO cries, depending on the situation, it might not gain him or her any points with employees, but it’s human. What’s so bad about having and exhibiting human emotion?

Whether it is braggadocio or bullheadedness, personality elements such as these shouldn’t automatically box in one gender or another or affect the opportunities they’re afforded in the work world. Automatically assuming one gender over another has more desirable leadership traits isn’t constructive – who’s to say that being confident is better than being persuasive?

In this survey, women admitted to looking at their own gender more favorably than they viewed men. Likewise, men looked at other men more favorably than women. But even though women seem to hit it out of the ballpark on the leadership traits we noted above, they still seem to lose the game. The survey essentially says that their stats prove how great women are … but when it comes to being in charge, they have to work twice as hard to gain any ground.

→ What do you say about solidarity? Do the sexes bring themselves down? Do they defend others of their gender too much … or maybe not enough? And what exactly do women have to do to get ahead? Read more!

Back to Basics

It’s always our goal to help you identify your problem, its cause, and, ultimately, offer a helpful solution. When we read the message boards and when we talk to our clients on the phone, some of the most common explanations that arise for relationship concerns involve the following areas. When you (re)familiarize yourself with these definitions and suggestions, we guarantee it will breathe new life into your relationship. Sometimes getting back to square one is all it takes.

The Wave and Well – The wave is a woman’s repetitive emotional cycle and it can suddenly shift from great to awful. The lowest part of this cycle is known as the well and, during this time, a woman can experience unexplainable emotions and feel helpless and alone. When a woman is able to bottom out in the well – meaning, she can give in to her overwhelming feelings because she has a patient and understanding partner – her mood will automatically begin to improve.

What you can do about it: Guys, when the wave comes on strong, you may want to flee in the worst way, but this is when she needs you most. Try to be understanding and avoid getting defensive. Most of all, do not try to fix whatever seems wrong – she will rebound on her own if you simply listen, are supportive, and offer plenty of hugs, no questions asked.

The Cave and Rubber Band – The cavedescribes the time when a man pulls away to distract himself from a stress in his life. A woman may interpret cave behavior as her partner ignoring her on purpose; this is natural because, often, when in the cave, a man will occupy himself with activities that seem to have nothing to do with the issue at hand. The rubber band describes the natural intimacy cycle of a man and can slightly mimic cave behavior, though in this case he’s close and attentive then suddenly distant and uninterested. When in a loving relationship, a man needs to carve out time for himself so that he can regain his independence and self-worth.

What you can do about it: Ladies, when your man is in the cave or rubber banding, his self-imposed exile is not a way for him to punish you so try not to take it personally. Restrain yourself from following him into the cave because you will not be met with a welcome reception, no matter how much you want to nurture. Instead, enjoy an opportunity to place all the energy you normally put toward him into yourself instead. Time apart will enable you to come back to each other refreshed.

Fellas, if you feel like you need space, tell her. It may be hard to deliver this news at the risk of causing her unhappiness but, believe it or not, a simple explanation will do more to put her at ease than if you were to stay silent. If she’s in tune with Mars Venus philosophies, when you say, “It has nothing to do with you. I just need some time alone for a little bit,” she’ll understand and give you room to breathe.

Primary Needs – While we all have the same core needs, men and women have different primary needs that must be fulfilled before they are able to fully appreciate and receive love. Women need caring, understanding, and respect. Men need trust, acceptance, and appreciation. What’s curious about the primary needs of men and women is that they mirror each other. A woman will feel cared for by a man when she gives him the trust he needs. A man will feel accepted by a woman when he provides her with understanding, and so on.

What you can do about it: Men and women typically give what they want to receive. Primary needs are fulfilled when both halves of a couple remember to consider what is important to their partner and what it is they need. If you feel like you and your partner aren’t successfully communicating, think about how you’re behaving – are you fulfilling the primary needs of the person you love, or are you acting in your own best interests?

There are plenty more “lessons” to be learned that will inform your relationship, from 90/10s to Resentment Flu, from Mr. Fix-It to the Home Improvement Committee. Men and women are different – that is the truth. The more you know about each other, the better you can relate to each other. Who doesn’t want that?

→ Tell us how you’ve experienced success in a relationship by keeping these Mars Venus principles in mind. Read more!