What's So Bad About Breaking Up?

According to a recent study funded by the National Science Foundation and detailed in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, breaking up isn’t quite as gut-wrenching as we think it is.

Really? The tears that won’t stop flowing, that feeling of emptiness in your chest … these reactions are supposedly “not that bad”? We think most people might take issue with such a blasé attitude. But the experts involved in this study suggest that it’s our own fault that a breakup is so heart-wrenching. Apparently, we overestimate the blow of a romantic split.

Researchers insist that we are poor predictors of just how distressful an emotional event can be, whether you’re talking about a breakup, your favorite team losing a playoff game, or not getting the job you wanted.

This study involved people who had been dating someone for at least two months. The participants completed regular surveys that indicated their level of distress and happiness in the relationship, and their thoughts of how they would feel should the relationship end.

The subjects who reported being in love as well as the ones who were broken up with (rather than doing the breaking up themselves), showed the poorest insight into the level of pain a lost love could cause. They assumed (while still in the relationship) that there would be unrealistic levels of hurt if a breakup occurred.

Of the 26 people whose romantic relationships actually did end during the study, they all indicated that they thought their distress would dwindle over time. According to their surveys they recovered emotionally in about 10 weeks, but here’s the interesting part: the initial angst they forecast for themselves was completely overestimated. So much so that researchers said their recovery time from the breakup should have taken double the time that it actually did. Had the study been solely based on the participants’ predictions, and not measurements on their feelings over a period of time, the results would have been very different.

Experts say people can actually prolong their hurt by holding onto stubborn ideas that a breakup is going to cause “x” amount of pain, or refusing to see the positive factors that occur in life outside of the breakup.

But what researchers concluded was, while we may overestimate the lasting effects of a breakup, we seriously underestimate our own resiliency. The study reports that we unconsciously call on built-in defense mechanisms to counteract the effect of the ending relationship and protect ourselves emotionally. For example, people focus on the annoying habits an ex had (you know the ones we’re talking about – they were cute when you loved him or her, but now they’re just obnoxious) to keep the nostalgia at bay.

While we are inclined to agree with some of what this study reports, we know that its results can’t possibly apply to all breakups. In this research case, the people who were studied were consciously considering, from week to week, their happiness level in the relationship and just how badly they would feel if a breakup occurred. But what if you’re not even thinking about there being an end to the love in your life? How quickly do the self-preservation techniques kick in if you’re not expecting a breakup? Many of our clients feel completely blindsided by a breakup – and that is often what most influences their ability to cope and the speed with which they recover.

Perhaps constant self-reflection isn’t part of the equation … but awareness is. Any relationship could end at any time for whatever reason. Feelings and circumstances change, tragedy occurs – there is no telling what could cause a breakup. We don’t want to be Debbie Downers, but considering how your life would go on in the wake of such a thing is one way to temper any forecast you may have of a possibly dark future.

Simply enough, this study could be boiled down to “mind over matter.” If you expect a breakup to be nauseatingly painful and gut-shaking, there’s more likelihood of that. But if you are realistic about a breakup, it can only help to admit that, while such an occurrence would hurt terribly, life would still go on.

→ Do you think that you have contributed to your own misery after a breakup because of your attitude? Do you think you could have eliminated some of your pain by changing your frame of mind?